Sincere Conversations

Hgthr, the Indignant

In a field, an army of men clad in armor and ready for battle.  Their leader, large and bearded, is standing in front of them.

Bearded Leader (deep voice of authority): They think they can come into our lands.  They think they can take what’s ours.  We shall not let them.  They may take our lives! They may rape our women! But we fight for—

Voice in the crowd: Whoa! Wait, what?

A woman steps out of the crowd. She too is dressed for battle.

Hgthr: Excuse me.  Hi, yes. I’m Hgthr of the Western Tribes.  What’s this you say about raping women? Could you just clarify that bit?

Bearded Leader: Hgthr of the West! Why do you speak?!

Hgthr: With all do respect, your speech was fantastic. I was with you the whole way.  That part about growing up in the East with the rolling hills.  So great!  But you lost me at the rape our women part.  If you could just explain that, perhaps I misunderstood.

BL: I was simply stating that there will be casualties of war, but that we should fight valiantly nonetheless.

Hgthr: Got that. But why put rape on the table? And why specifically rape our women?  I mean I don’t condone rape as an institution, but if you were to introduce it as an across the board kinda thing, like (imitates Bearded Leader’s voice), “These assholes might rape us.  All of us. With no differentiation of gender.” I’d be all in. But I feel like you introduced it a bit arbitrarily.  I know the point is to get us all riled up for battle, but the fallout is that you introduced rape as an option, when frankly no one was thinking about it. And I just want to make sure that we’re all on the same page.  Or maybe the message is that they will not rape anyone? I think we all can’t get behind an anti-rape policy. I’m not saying you’re pro-rape.  It’s just, why even invite it to the party?

BL: I think it’s fair to say that we must protect the weaker sex and not ignore the fact that they may use our women to weaken our will.

Hgthr: Speaking as a woman warrior with all intention to fight amongst you all. I’m going to have to disagree.  You see, you called women the weaker sex, but then you’re afraid that the victimization of women would weaken the men’s morale.  Wouldn’t that make them the weaker sex?  And by that fact it’s their weakness that puts women in danger?

Cut to the field smoldering, bodies of men bloodied and lifeless, the tribes of East and West have been lain to waste…. and not a single woman… nor man was raped.

When I’m old

I’ll say super racist/inappropriate shit. To clarify, I’m expecting that by the time I get up there in years, we’ll have become ultra-politically correct.  And no matter how progressive I think I am, my terminology will be outdated.  I’ll be using gender specific pronouns.  And some little shitty liberal will be like, “We don’t say that anymore, we say person or use their names.”  And I’ll be like, “Fuck you, I voted so that your two mommies could get married. You can tell her and her I said you’re welcome.”

While heading to grab a quick late lunch and grumbling about the ever-growing mountain of crap I have to do at work, I flipped over the change pouch I use as a wallet-not realizing it was open. I heard change hit the ground and was all too ready with the “and now I have to pick up all the effing change!” rage. One penny fell out. It was heads. It was from my birth year. I made a wish. And laughed at the seven year old in me that still believes.

Crafting a Nicholas Sparks Movie

I have absolutely no desire to see the latest installment of the Nicholas Sparks adaptation series. Don’t get me wrong, Ole Nicky has found the golden formula. It’s a good thing. I imagine him sitting at his desk, wiping away sweat with a crisp hundie, typing away at the next great American romance. He, in collaboration with Hollywood, has figured out how to make single women of all ages flood their panties, while simultaneously experiencing the pits of loneliness. Bravo!

I read the Notebook. I watched the movie. For me, this was when Ryan Gosling stop being Young Hercules and became something more.* It was also around this time that I noticed Mr. Sparks’s formula.

There are eight ingredients for a Nick Sparks book movie.^

1. This shit is going down in an east coast beach town. Guaranteed the setting is a small beach town where everybody knows your name.^^ You can also be sure someone’s getting wet… in the waters of Atlantic. Your male lead will be rowing a boat in a smedium shirt. Your leading lady is gonna frolick in bikini. There will be a summer storm.  Fucking A, if there is no shoreline, general store, or a crick nearby, people aren’t falling in love in Sparksville.
2. The main characters will share a really intense love within a week of meeting. “And, I just knew.” That’s the line, because a couple of weeks was all it took. I think those exact lines were actually in a couple of his movies. I won’t call bullshit here. I’ve got a pair of Steve Madden heels that I looked at and knew in that instant we needed to be together forever. .
3. Something will rip them apart. Something big and devastating. War. Marriage. Social class. Death. Lies. Whatever the case, their love will be tested. Sparky wants to remind us all that love ain’t easy. You gotta fight and make a grand speech about not being afraid, and leaping and whatnot.
4. Don’t worry. No matter what happens, they were meant to be together. They will be together until they die… in each others arms. To remind you that you’re probably going to die alone.
5. Someone’s gonna get saved. Whether it’s from a deep depression, a spiritual vacuum, a flooded lake, or a burning building, somebody’s gonna be a fucking hero.
6. Somebody’s gonna die. Because this is an absolute guarantee in Nick’s movies, I like to place my bets in the first ten minutes of the movie. I put my money on grandma in The Lucky One. There was a scene that opened with her napping and I was pretty sure she was a goner. Dear John was pure carnage. Everybody died.
7. The female lead will be broken. She’s wounded. She’s a tough, but broken. She’s not looking for love. She’s too hurt. She’s trying to rebuild. Cue…
8. The male lead will be hunky and brooding, but open to love. He will be handy. He builds things. He gets dirty, but he’s got a smile that melts butter. And abs that’ll make you dropkick a three-legged puppy. And by Mighty Thor’s hammer, if he’s not the most chivalrous, kind, and loving son of a bitch you ever did see. He’s great with kids. He does things, because they just need to be done. And even though this guys is blatantly perfect, it’s not until an observant character mentions it in passing that the leading lady sees it for herself. Cue we’re falling in love montage of stolen glances, laughing, chasing each other and falling in a heap on the beach.

*Sex wrapped in human flesh.

^Sparks movies will have at least five of these ingredients.

^^In The Lucky One when Efron character is searching for the woman in the picture he asks a local if he recognizes her. This fucktard is basically like, “Oh, her? Yeah, she lives at 123 Main St. in the big white house with her elderly grandmother and her weak and defenseless son. Are you planning on murdering the family? Because, I could show you the best way to get into the house.” Then a few scenes later, this same fucktard says to the woman’s jealous sheriff ex-husband, “Yeah, that guy is a weirdo. He came in here asking about what’s her face not to long along. I thought it was strange, but I didn’t mention it to you until now, because you know you’re cop.  I’m all about giving you business, so I just gave him directions to her house.”

video courtesy of Honest Trailers

I blame reality television for making this phrase so ubiquitous.  And like all the gold that comes from reality television (Keeping Up with Armenians Who Like Black Dick, Desperate Househags of Some Major City, How to Make a Antibiotic Resistant Venereal Disease on the Jersey Shore -they went with the shorter title) this shitty little phrase will never fucking die.  The only time anyone should talk about throwing someone under a bus, that someone better have died of crush related injuries.  Admittedly, I like the visual of offing someone by pushing them in front of a bus, but what people mean to say is that they’ve been betray or used as a scapegoat. 

Acceptable response: ”I will murdered your young.”

Suggested alternative phrase: ”Et tu, Brute?”  It’s poetic and implies that the betrayed is well read.

When you assume you make an ass of you and me. 

I get it. Ass, u, and me.  It spells assume.  Haha!  Clever.  

Adult people should never say this.  Ever.  The only exception is if you want the person you’re talking to to know very explicitly that you are a fucking idiot.  The point of this lame ass phrase is that someone has assumed the worst and might just be wrong.  It happens.  It’s annoying.  It doesn’t warrant saying stupid shit.

Acceptable response: ”Nope, just you. You are definitely the only ass round these parts.”  Then flick their nipple as hard as you can.

Suggested alternative phrase: “You might be wrong.”

Nobody’s perfect. 

People usually offer this turd-ism up when they’ve run out of things to say in defending some shitty behavior. Also, this is what settling sounds like. Example: “Yeah, he banged a whole bunch of other girls while we were dating, but nobody’s perfect.”

Acceptable response: ”I hope there’s no Bayer’s around when you have a heart attack.”

Suggested alternative phrase:  “I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry that I’m an asshole. Today is the day that I begin my journey to become a better person.”

Let’s agree to disagree.  

This is a forfeit.  People who say this think that they are ending a discussion amicably, but really this is a cop out.  There is no grace in this.  I’d rather a disagreement end in blood than in that phrase.

Acceptable response: Stab them in the face with a rusty blade. You’ll only be doing them a favor. 

Suggested alternative phrase:  “This is Sparta!”

If you asked me a year ago what I was doing with my life I would have probably answered I’m treading water.  If you ask me today, I’d say that I’m having an extended swim.